mmm... crazy!

Holy fuck balls fat elephant! Where have you been?

O hey there! Yeah, sorry, I been crazy busy you know chillin', hangin', havin' a brew..

Or few?

..true...

Its not that I haven't wanted to blog. I've tried, really! But the fact is that i've started multiple ramblings and then either by realising they're rubbish and going nowhere or simply sobering up, have dismissed them!

Sobering up?

Yeah... i sometimes find myself sitting at home alone... drinking $2 cask wine and...

And?

And... eating peanuts from the bag... i don't even shell them first...

O fat elephant...

Don't judge me!! I feel like there's so much pressure on me at the moment! My tusks haven't come through and either because of that or my extreme lack of rhythm they kicked me out of the Elephant March. Also being constantly called fat is really starting to weigh on me. I tried to lose a few kg but I ended up looking all saggy and baggy and some smart arse parrot kept laughing at me! I thought I'd invest in a little R&R and went to the circus one afternoon. But they dressed me up as a clown and kept telling me to flap my ears and fly!!!!

Ok. Ok. Calm down, mate. Breathe! Jeezus, you're starting to sound a little crazy there!

Crazy? Me? Thats like a pot calling a kettle black isn't it?

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, dickhead, in case you haven't noticed, I'm you. Your alter ego, online alias, whatever. And you, are obviously, you too! So to break it down, you've been ranting on a good few paragraphs now to yourself!

Hmmm I see your point...

Uh huh... So you gonna pass that crack pipe or what?

Wait a sec... Does this mean you're going to start blogging again?

Yeah I'm gonna try! That's the best i got at the moment. Now light me up, dammit!

eat gullible for breakfast to make you grow up healthy and strong!

So for the past 25 years I've had the misconception that another name for a hare was a deddy. This all boiled down to the fact that we had a painting of a hare on our wall and whenever I commented on it when I was little, my mum would say loudly DEDDDDDDDYYYYYY!

It only came to light recently that I was in fact a dumb arse. And that the only reason she called it such was because my brother too suffered from genetic dumb-arsery and mistook the hare in the picture for a corgie that lived across the road whose name was Teddy, which he mispronounced Deddy!

Then I thought 'what if we took everything repeated to us when we were young as gospel?' And this is the tangent I went on...

Every time I'm happy I get funny looks off people cause I continuously clap my hands.

My parents have stopped feeding me sugar because I keep referring to my toes as little piggies that perhaps over indulge in market going and eating roast beef (which I think in itself is quite specific.. I mean why not some chicken or some veal? Maybe a side of vegetables?).

I steer clear of crusts on bread lest my hair get any curlier yet I've developed a weird obsession with eating carrots in the hope of achieving acute night visionary senses and so aiding in my life's ambition of becoming a spy.

I'm constantly standing round at a loss because Simon hasn't told me to do anything yet. Although who Simon is is a little confusing seeing as though I've never actually met the guy... Also I get anxious at the idea of walking down the street. A lack of Council funding has left a considerable amount of cracks in the pavement and should I tread on one my mother's back will break!

All this pressure of making sure every inch of crust is gone, not having any say in what I do and my mothers impending paralyzation (coz I'm bound to slip up sometime!) leaves me a little strung out! The only person I feel I can confide in is my teddy bear, but he seems to constantly be going to picnics in the woods! (Which he never invites me to. You know considering we're BFFs and all I find it a little disheartening that although he's met all my friends I've never met any of his).

So, strung out with no one I can turn to I start smoking crack, rename myself Laura Palmer and then whore myself out to my friends' dads!!

hmmm... wow! Guess its a good thing I finally developed a mind of my own and Deddy's aside, stopped swallowing every bit of crap my parents fed me.